The In-Between

"...he'd feel a sense of liberation afterward, in his chest, his lungs, his soul...this feeling of liberation that, ironically, discipline brings." - Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird

I remember when I used to worry myself to death because I couldn't "feel" God. I've come to learn that living for God is more about trudging through the mess and continuing to follow Him, even when, especially when, I cannot "feel" Him. Because, honestly, those spiritual highs everyone loves don't last; and they are not something to base your view of the Christian life on. Those "highs" are normally based on emotions, and emotions are fleeting and generally unreliable. The true test is our ability to hold fast to Him in normal, daily life, a place where most of us live most of the time. Discipline over emotion. I know, it rubs against our American-made grain.

People don't talk about the middle much, though. At church Wednesday night, the usual was said, "Whether you are on a mountain top, reaching even higher for more, or you are at the end of your rope, or you don't know Jesus at all..." The truth is, the majority of the people in that room were in the in-between places. Where do we fit? We don't know, so we immediately assume that if we aren't on a mountain top, then we must be at the end of our rope. But most of us are in the middle, and that's completely okay. Jesus meets us in the monotony and stagnancy of the middle and the normal, too. he comes to remove the stagnancy, but He does not promise we will be on a constant high. He only promises that He will be with us always, offering a life of fullness in the midst of extreme joy, extreme despair, and all the normalcy in between.

Honestly, I couldn't "feel" God tonight. Not with my emotions. I often can't. But I think some of the most meaningful praise and worship is that which is done when I can't "feel" Him there. I have faith; I know He's alive; no matter what my emotions say, I can't deny that. And so, I worship Him even when I don't feel like it. He is like blood, pumping through my veins, giving me life. I can't feel it pumping, but I'm alive, and that's all I need to know. I know He's there, in my mind, but mostly in my heart and soul, and in my marrow and my veins. He's giving me life and life abundant. Even this normal life is abundant, fulfilling, true, beautiful, good, in motion...I just have to keep living it, at all times. And some times, I will feel Him, and this "feeling" will eventually go much deeper and farther than emotions. Our constant faith and discipline will grow us more than the "highs" ever could. St. Augustine wrote, "...as this faith, which works by love, begins to penetrate the soul, it tends, through the vital power of goodness to change into sight, so that the holy and perfect in heart catch glimpses of that ineffable beauty whose full vision is our highest happiness" (from Handbook on Faith, Hope, and Love). And so, through discipline and faith, comes the "liberation" Lamott wrote about.

I am a follower of Christ: in the highs, in the lows, and especially in the in betweens.


-Joy